Stoic Stance: A Harmony Hero or Relational Rogue?

I recently had a personal conversation with Lucy in Seattle, who is facing a difficult situation in her relationship. She shared that her husband has been engrossed in podcasts that promote the idea of men being strong and stoic. As a result, he has stopped opening up and keeping his emotions bottled up inside. This has led their relationship to reach a low point, leaving Lucy feeling lost and unsure of what to do next. She is seeking guidance and support, hoping to find a way to reconnect with her husband and rebuild their bond. How can she navigate through this challenging situation?

Stoicism is making a comeback, gripping the minds of modern men like a catchy earworm. Men seeking meaning, self-discipline, and a sense of purpose are finding solace in this ancient philosophy. But how does this stoic song resonate within a couple's dance? Let's press play.

Let's break it down and get to the core of Stoicism. What exactly is this ancient philosophy all about? Born in ancient Greece, Stoicism says virtue is the highest good, and one should focus only on what they can control. Accepting life's ups and downs with a composed mind. Renowned stoic writers, such as Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus, are currently experiencing a surge of popularity in today's culture. Their voices are reverberated and adapted for today´s rhythm, by influencers like Ryan Holiday and Navy SEAL Jocko Willink. They have gained large followings, appealing to large groups of young men, by reinterpreting ancient Stoic wisdom into advice suited for the dynamics of our times. To the trend, one might add names like Joe Rogan, Tim Ferriss and Brett McKay with podcasts that fuse themes of self-improvement and physical fitness with hustle culture. It seems to resonate particularly with men.

Now, what about the Gottman Method? This research-based method shows couples the value of managing conflict, maintaining fondness and admiration, sharing meaning, and enhancing connection, fun and joy. It prioritizes  “we” over just “me”, fostering the skills to jointly face life's external stresses as part of the relationship's rhythm.

Three insights help us navigate this interplay of Stoicism and relationships:

1. The unique solo tune of Stoicism might harmonize oddly with the duet of a relationship.
   Picture this: a man dives deep into Stoic waters, mastering self-discipline, and controlling emotions. Meanwhile, his partner finds him increasingly distant, his stoic mask hiding the emotional transparency she craves. A classic case: the so-called “meta-emotion” mismatch. One partner's stoic calm clashes with the other's emotional openness. Gottman's deep insight into "meta-emotion" incompatibilities and what they can mean for a relationship, through uncovering their feelings about feelings, might highlight incompatibilities that stoicism potentially can increase. So, the stoic solo might need a remix for the relationship duet. The Gottman method offers tools for couples to attune back into each other's harmony and understanding. (For instance, gottmanconnect.com has a pool of strategies for solving relationship challenges. Try checking out the tools in "All About Love"
   
   
2. The Stoic spotlight on individual responsibility can foster a sense of strength. But is this strength flexible enough for the give-and-take of a relationship? Remember, Gottman stresses the shared responsibility in handling conflict, fostering connection, and cultivating affection and injecting humor and warmth even during conflict. It’s not a solo performance but a synchronized choreography. It’s about the “us” in the trust.
3. The Stoic pursue virtue. But it may overshadow the importance of understanding in relationships. The Gottman Method teaches us that knowing your partner's inner world, their worries, hopes, joys, is one of the keys to intimacy. If the stoic pursuit becomes a relentless solo and quest for self-empowerment, it may miss the delicate dance of mutual understanding and closeness.

Conclusion

Stoicism can unquestionably inspire self-control, resilience, and a sense of purpose. Still, when it steps onto the relationship dance floor, it may need to adjust its rhythm. Drawing from Gottman’s science-backed toolbox can help. After all, relationships are about the melody of two, the rhythm of respect, and the harmony of shared meaning. A relationship is a way to build enduring purpose and meaning, that may resonate into the next generation and amplify one´s legacy in a larger world. It’s a rewarding dance, requiring both partners to listen, adapt, and move together. Therefore, the stoic stance, a melodious expression of virtue and resilience, may benefit from a slight adjustment to synchronize with the relational rhythm.

Do you have a "stroic" partner? Share your experiences below.