How does this quote make you feel? Does it speak to you?
Do you dismiss your partner when they tell you they’re upset?
Do you avoid conflict to make things “easier”?
Does your partner get irritated with you when you bring up your feelings?
Do you truly listen to each other?
Try these tips for becoming better listeners and making each other feel heard:
Set aside time daily to listen to each other. When you feel heard and cared about your hurts become more manageable. This goes against the natural style for some people, but this may be the time to change.
Practice the Stress-Reducing Conversation. Years ago it was discovered that couples who remained close over time were good at listening to each other’s stresses. Take about 30 minutes. Spend half the time listening to your partner’s feelings and the other half sharing your own. Avoid problem-solving but instead, offer empathy and understanding. Ask caring questions like, “What’s the worst part of this for you?”
Avoid Competition. Everyone has their own experience of stress and hurt and it helps to feel heard by our partner. Focus on your role as the listener when your partner is sharing. Comments like, “You think that’s bad, listen to this!” will only get in the way.
Listen to the triggers. Often current problems bring up feelings from past experiences which adds to the hurt. Try to be aware of these moments inside yourself. You can also ask your partner about triggers that might be true for them. Something like, “I know you’re really worried about money now, and I remember how that was so hard for you when you were a kid” can help your partner feel understood and cared for.
Make time for good things between you. Don’t spend all your time talking about problems and hurts. Remember that you are friends and lovers. The more you are able to find moments of happiness, laughter, intimacy, and warmth, the better you will be able to manage the struggles of this time. Plan for date times, even if they have to be delivered dinners and Netflix.
So, the next time you or your partner are hurting, make an effort to stop what you’re doing and really listen.
