Do certain phrases or situations set you or your partner off? Learning to identify your triggers can help you break the cycle.
A trigger is an emotional reaction tied to earlier experiences. It’s something that taps into old wounds, insecurities, or unmet needs.
When your partner says or does something that touches one of those tender spots, it can cause an outsized reaction in the moment. The fight may appear to be about money, chores, or parenting, but underneath is a deeper longing: to feel safe, respected, valued, or understood.
Here's an example:
A couple often fights about spending and saving money, but the conflict isn’t really about dollars and cents. It’s about what money means to each of them.
One partner feels anxious about finances because they grew up in a home where money was scarce. The other had the opposite experience and believes money should be enjoyed and used to create meaningful experiences.
When the spender brings up a purchase, the saver feels triggered and accuses their partner of being careless. In turn, the spender feels criticized and responds defensively, calling their partner controlling or rigid. Over time, these emotional triggers (fear of scarcity for one, fear of judgment for the other) make each more sensitive to the other’s words, and the tension builds.
So, what about your triggers? Reflect on when your emotions suddenly spike. What’s being threatened in that moment? Is it your need for security, autonomy, appreciation, or belonging?
