It’s natural to wish parts of your partner were different, but trying to make them change usually backfires.
As Dr. John Gottman notes, people grow when they feel accepted and appreciated, not criticized or managed.
Many of us slide into control without realizing it, doing things for our partner that they can and should do for themselves, rescuing them from consequences, setting “boundaries” we won’t enforce, or using protest behaviors to force closeness. It can feel like helping, but it often breeds defensiveness, anxiety, and distance.
Real change starts with you.
- Name your needs with “I” statements, focus on specific behaviors rather than character, and take responsibility for your part, especially your reactions.
- If you’re distressed, practice self-soothing and reach for support that isn’t only your partner.
- Clarify what’s in your control (your actions, words, limits) and what isn’t (their feelings, choices, pace of growth).
- Set clear enforceable boundaries and believe people when they tell you they’re unwilling to work on an issue. Acceptance of reality is an act of self-respect, not defeat.
Healthy relationships evolve because both partners choose to grow, not because one partner tries to force change.
Acceptance creates safety, safety invites openness, and openness makes growth possible.
When you let go of trying to change your partner and focus on being your best self, that’s when real change starts to grow between you.
